Your Self Worth is Not Equal to your Weight

Your Self Worth is Not Equal to your Weight

I’ve treated persons struggling with eating disorders, disordered eating , and weight issues for over a decade and  a common belief at the heart of these weight issues is that one’s own worth is connected to their weight.  If they weigh a large amount or they don’t like their body shape then these people struggling believe they are less worthy.  If only they could be thinner, then they would be more worthy and more loved, and more happy.

Of course, this is not true: your weight is not connected at all to your worth as a person.  What is required to be worthy is to exist. Yup, that’s it.  You don’t need to be skinny to be worthy.  I should clarify that I am speaking in the ultimate sense – in the eyes of God (or Being), you do not have to be skinny.  Many women spend their life energy trying to be thin.  Imagine your tombstone epithet saying “Jane Doe:  She spent her life trying to be thin and failing and being miserable about it and now she is gone”.

I hope this illustrates why it’s important to look at the usefulness of trying to be thin as a prerequisite for happiness or success.  Many of my clients say they can’t go swimming until they lose weight, or they can’t go on a vacation until they lose weight, or be in a relationship until they lose weight, etc.  This is putting the cart before the horse for first we need to make our lives meaningful, productive, fun, and loving.

So how does such a belief (that worth and weight are connected) develop?  For starters, our modern society in North America holds thinness in a woman’s body as a value and all the “beautiful people” are thin.  And we are bombarded by a 53 million dollar thin/diet industry with ads, magazine articles, etc.   And interestingly most of the clients I have had who struggled with their weight and/or disordered eating grew up in families where somehow weight was connected to worth and amount of love/ approval from parents/family members.

We know that only about 5% of people who diet are successful.  That means they lose weight and keep if off for more than 5 years.  This also means that 95% of people who diet fail and gain the weight back or put on more weight.  Gordon Cochrane’s research showed that the 5% who are successful at losing weight and keeping it off, have resolved their family of origin issues.  I think that’s pretty interesting and I also think that the resolution of family issues involves not being dependent on others’ opinions regarding your worth and especially giving up the ideas that worth and weight are connected.

So how do we shift the belief about our worth from our weight to our existence?  Changing our beliefs can be done—you’re not stuck with unhelpful and damaging beliefs.  You can see my blog on changing beliefs for more general information about that process.  Here I give some specifics for disconnecting worth from weight.

We change our beliefs by repetition of the desired belief. Remind yourself over and over that your worth is only dependent upon your existence in the ultimate sense, the big picture of your life. You can look for evidence that does not support the belief that your worth equals your weight. .  Remind yourself over and over that your worth is not dependent on your weight.  And that in a social sense, you are worthy according to the way you treat others.  You might remind yourself of your strengths, of the high quality of love you provide to others, your compassion, and other contributions that you make.   You can work at accepting yourself, your strengths and weaknesses, as a way of having a much deeper and accurate understanding of your worth.

Changing this one belief can create a snowball effect for living life fully and joyfully.  Not changing the belief is a recipe for a lifetime of “weight issues” (regardless of your actual weight) and unhappiness because your worth is not equal to your weight.

Fay Ferris, RCC, CCC

Counsellor