We humans often worry about bad things happening. We experience anxiety, depression, and anger symptoms and our behaviour will be such to try to avoid the bad thing or change the bad thing. We may fret about another person’s health, about an earthquake hitting, or about an annoying co-worker or work policy. All these things can impact us in a serious way, but in fact, we do not have control over them. Here’s the rub, these things impact us, but we don’t have control over them.
When clients come to see me and complain about other people’s behaviour and about how they are trying to nudge that person into behaving in a way that is more to their liking, I ask them, “Where does the control lie”? “What part of this do you have control over? Because that’s the only part you can change.” And the fact of the matter is that you do not have control over other people (infants/children excepted).
If we can accept the fact that we do not have control over some things or people, then we can move towards acceptance. We can accept that we do not have control over some things, we don’t have to like this fact to accept it. Armed with the acceptance that we do not have control, we can then begin to experience some peace, and we can begin to focus our energies on the things over which we do have control.
For example, a woman complains about her husband drinking and staying out late. She may plead with him to stop this behaviour, she may get angry to him about it, she may be silent and seethe, she may make threats to him, she may try to disable his ability to drink and socialize or other techniques of control. However, the bottom line here is that she does not have control over him and her efforts are wasted and non effectual. She would be better off accepting that her husband drinks and socializes and she doesn’t like it. Then she can begin to focus on herself; what is good for me, how do I want to respond to this situation, how can I get my needs met. She may decide that she cannot get her needs met in this marriage and leave. Or she may decide that she can tolerate the behaviour and there are other good things in the marriage and then get busy at taking care of herself, her life, her needs, etc.
Letting go of our attachment to control is not easy. We want to believe we have control over these negatively impactful situations because the idea of not having control is actually very scary. It implies chaos; that bad things can happen to good people, that there is no natural order/justice.
And so we cling to our attachment that we have control. It may seem as though that person can keep on hurting me, or this pain will be endless. We prefer to think that if we just try something else we could control the other person/event and they will shape up. The problem is we don’t have control and our efforts don’t work and they won’t work.
And the truth is that you don’t have control of many things – namely, the physical world, and other people. Once we accept this and grieve the lack of control and order, we can then begin to find peace. Here is one meaning of “The truth shall set you free”. When we act in accordance with this truth, we actually have more perspective and more peace.
Buddhism teaches: “I find refuge in the dharma”, with the teaching of the “dharma” referring to “things are the way things are” whether you like them or not, whether they make sense or not. Accepting the way things are can lead us to refuge or to peace or to freedom. This is because your efforts, thoughts and feelings are no longer trying to resist reality and thereby being wasted.
When we focus on what we do have control over then our beliefs, thoughts, feelings, efforts can all be aligned and be effectual. We have control over our beliefs, our thoughts, our feelings, our efforts/behaviour, the organization of our own lives.
Focusing on what we have control over, can free us up to recognize that what others do is about them. We can, instead, be curious like an anthropologist and wonder about others but not attempt to control them. There is great peace to be had in this concept because anger will disappear, anxiety will disappear and we becomes more empowered about our own life and may well feel better about ourselves.
I often tell clients “Don’t spend too much time and energy focused on things you don’t have any control over, rather search for your control in the situation and focus on that.” For example, if you are unemployed and looking for a job, it’s not very helpful to worry and fret about not getting a job. The fact is you do not have control over an employer’s decision to hire you. So don’t give that much thought. Rather focus on what you do have control over such as your resume, your interviewing skills, your presentation, your skills, your selling of yourself, finding jobs to apply to, showing up at the proper time for an interview, telling your friends, and network that you are looking for a job, imagining the perfect job, and the worst job, developing your own company, etc. Otherwise, focusing on the employer’s decision could well result in bitterness, anger, depression, anxiety, and worse.
The Serenity prayer put all this together into a capsule of wisdom. Here is the Serenity Prayer:
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
God grant me the Courage to change the things I can, and
God grant me the Wisdom to know the difference.
I’m going to leave you to ponder: What bugs you? What do you have control over? What do you not have control over? Are your efforts focused on the areas of your life you have control over?
Fay Ferris, Counsellor
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