How To Change Beliefs that Aren’t Working for You

How to Change Beliefs that Aren’t Working for You
Often clients come to counselling with symptoms of depression, anxiety, and disordered eating. As we work together to understand what underlies the symptoms, we often discover simple and basically untrue beliefs. These beliefs were developed when they were younger (often as young as 3 years old) and now no longer fit with their mental health goals or work for them in their life.
For example, someone who is depressed may believe that they ‘should always be helping other people first and themselves last’. Of course, getting around to taking care of yourself, when everyone and everything is above you on the list, isn’t going to happen very often. It is viewed as selfish and therefore avoided. And that simply will not work in practical terms. The belief that ‘you come last, and you must always help others first’ is a recipe for depression and burnout.
Another example of a belief that doesn’t work is found in worriers. They have the underlying belief that worrying has a benefit – ‘worrying prevents bad things from happening’. Of course, worrying doesn’t actually change anything; the worrier just spends a lot of time and energy worrying.
Finally, another example of a belief that may not be working for you anymore is that your ‘weight is indicative of your worth, or your morality, or your work ethic’. This is simply not true and believing it may lead to disordered eating.
After realizing that your symptoms are related to a belief that isn’t working for you, what can you do? The problem is, however, you believe these beliefs to be true and your thoughts automatically stem from the beliefs. It doesn’t seem as if there is much to be done.
The good news is that you can change your beliefs. I have discovered from reading, working with clients and my own experience that our beliefs are malleable. This is especially true if you have identified that a particular belief was formed in different circumstances and served a particular need that is not longer applicable and the consequences of the behaviour that follow from the belief are negative and burdensome.
How do beliefs form? Most beliefs are developed because of an experience that teaches us ‘this is the way it is’. We can be taught that this is the way it is. Or we can see it role modelled for us. As we grow and our circumstances change, the beliefs may no longer be relevant and, in fact, can be damaging in the sense that we are now struggling with mental health symptoms.
It’s important to understand that at the time of the belief’s formation it was accurate as it could be and it was useful. It, in a way, helped us to survive, understand, control, direct our behaviours and be effective.
Beliefs are maintained by repetition. For example, ”The earth is flat” was an often repeated belief, and was believed to be true, but is not true. We changed the concept to “The earth is a sphere” by citing evidence and repetition. So it is with forming and changing psychological beliefs.
How can we change our beliefs? Here is the process to change an ingrained belief that is not working for you and your well-being anymore.
First step is to identify the outdated belief. Outdated beliefs are connected to negative symptoms and feelings. They tend to be very simple. That’s because we were only 3 years old and could not frame it anymore complexly. They’ve been around for a long time—we can’t remember when we first started to believe. We may remember parents or other role models telling us or repeating the belief.
Second step is to make a list of how the belief works for you and how it doesn’t work for you. List the benefits of the belief and the negative consequences of the belief.
Third step is to express our gratitude for the belief. This sounds counterintuitive but we wouldn’t have formed it or kept it around for so long if there was no use whatsoever for it. There may even be some ways it is still working for you in your current life. Express out loud your gratitude for whatever the belief did for you.
For example, regarding the belief that you should always care for others first, you might express gratitude for the guidance it gave you to be loving, giving and thoughtful. Or how it helped you make and build relationships. The belief that ‘worry prevents bad things from happening’ helps to keep us feeling safe and in control. Or the belief that ‘your weight is indicative of your worth’, may have helped you feel like you were in control and stay sane when really you were dealing with some pretty messy problems that you did not have the power or control to solve.
Using experiential evidence and trying to be accurate and more complex, devise a belief that will work better for you. For example, “I need to take care of myself first, so that I can take care of others”; “if there is something I can do to prevent a bad thing from happening, I will do it; if not, I won’t allow myself to worry about it.”; and “I am so much more than my weight; my worth is based on my existence and my efforts to make the world a better place”. You, of course, can rebuild your own beliefs so that they work for you and your symptoms will decrease.
Finally, and the longest step, is to enhance the new desired belief by repeating it and when you repeat it you connect with the evidence for that belief. You can go to that “deep, down place” inside where you know that it is true. The evidence might be experiential (as in the previous example), physical in nature (you can feel it in your body, you can see it), it might be historical, (it’s already happened) or logical (it makes sense). You must connect with evidence when you repeat the belief. The more you repeat it, the more you actually believe it!
When we change a belief, we are actually changing our brain. ‘What fires together, wires together! ‘ Each belief has its very own unique neuronal pathway in your brain – the more you repeat it, the faster and more automatic the neuronal pathway fires and the stronger the belief becomes. If you don’t repeat a belief (the old belief that isn’t working for you), it will eventually atrophy. So this is why you need to purposely, intentionally seek out evidence for the desired belief and repeat it as often as possible. Minimum amount of repetition is said to be five times, three times a day for at least 30 days.
Because you are changing your brain, your beliefs, your thoughts, your behaviours this is not an overnight cure. You need to be persistent and patient and keep your eye on the prize. Some very stubborn beliefs, most around body image and food, may easily take a year or more to change. I tell you this so you don’t give up if you’re not seeing progress after a short amount of time.
I recommend some method of reminding yourself that you are on a belief-changing program and to review the steps monthly and wear a piece of jewellery or an elastic to remind yourself on a daily basis. Good luck and good mental health.
By Fay Ferris, Counsellor, RCC, CCC