How can we understand a behaviour that we compulsively do over and over even though we know it’s having negative consequences? You drink too much, you work too much, you eat too much, or you play too many internet games. You have an addiction to a substance or to a behaviour if you are not able to stop it easily. Also the behaviour or substance must involve a negative consequences, otherwise we call it a ‘good habit’.
I’d like to talk a bit about how addictions develop with an eye to learning how to end them. Basically, addictions form because we find something (drugs, alcohol, sex, internet games, food, gambling, etc.) that effectively distracts us from what I call “an uncomfortable feeling”. The uncomfortable feeling may be guilt, disappointment, sadness, despair, hopelessness, overwhelmed, anxiety, worry, disgust, anger, fury, etc. You can imagine how powerful it could be to find something that reduces the intensity or wipes away those uncomfortable feelings. Once we discover something, such as alcohol, sex, food, etc., that really works, however temporarily, to distract us, we can be hooked. And the next time the feeling, or any other uncomfortable feeling arises, then we know what to do – use the substance or the behaviour.
Soon you start to use the addiction without even being terribly aware of the uncomfortable feelings. The craving can begin the second the uncomfortable feeling arises. And soon you begin to experience some of the negative consequences that form from the addiction. Essentially we could understand the whole circular process as having two steps that repeat – one, the uncomfortable feeling arises, and two, the addiction cravings kick in. As the distracting ability of the addiction wears off, the uncomfortable feeling arises and one automatically moves to the addiction, it wears off, the uncomfortable feeling comes up, the addiction cravings come up, and so on and so on.
How does this help us understand how we might begin to end an addiction? Well, it means that the way to stop the circular process of an addiction is to become aware of the “uncomfortable feeling” stage. This will basically involve becoming more aware of the feeling and dealing with the feeling in a way that is not mere distraction or avoidance. These uncomfortable feelings can be quite distressing. You may want professional help to work through the feelings and find another way of dealing with the feelings. What might these other ways be?
There are two basic ways of dealing with uncomfortable feelings: one, awareness, acknowledgement, and experiencing the feeling, and two, dealing with the problem that is causing the uncomfortable feeling in the first place.
I’d like to give some examples. A woman has recently found herself eating a lot of popcorn, chips, crackers, and cheese after dinner. To become aware of what the underlying feeling is she does not have any snack/party food and waits for the uncomfortable feeling, whatever it is, to arise. She waits with pen and paper and when it comes she writes everything down that she learns about the feeling. She tries to experience it and notice where in her body it lies. She names it, and describes it. In this case let us say, she discovers the feeling is one of being overwhelmed, feeling stress, and the thought is “I just can’t handle it, I just can’t do it”. In this case let’s say the problem is a very large debt. To solve the underlying problem that is causing the uncomfortable feelings she must actually deal with the debt – go to the bank and get a consolidation loan, or get credit counselling and start a budget.
Here is another example. A man might be feeling that he is disappointing others and he is angry at others for disappointing him. The underlying cause might be a difficult childhood with a critical parent who was not very accepting. The addiction might be sex or alcohol. In this case we cannot directly deal with the underlying cause of the uncomfortable feeling because it is in the past, but one needs to be aware of the feeling and change the self-talk that’s going on as well as the behaviour. One could explore with a professional the incidents of childhood that contributed to the feelings and importantly, discuss how you can make changes in the present so that you are not re-creating a critical parent in your self-talk.
It’s important to know that you can tolerate the uncomfortable feelings as an adult. Sometimes as a child the feelings seem too big and we are afraid that they will overwhelm us, but as adults we can learn to experience them and watch them pass. That’s right, if you just sit with a feeling and watch it, it will pass. You are not your feelings. No feeling can actually last a long time. But by pushing them away, distracting ourselves from them, not allowing ourselves to experience the feelings, we allow the feelings to continue with strength.
With another method of dealing with the uncomfortable feeling as a possibility, you can begin to end the addiction behaviour. In other words, one doesn’t need the addiction anymore to distract or avoid the feeling because you can deal directly with the feeling. I often say to my clients, addiction/compulsion is an emotional problem, so find an emotional solution (that is experiencing the emotion fully and stop trying to avoid it). For example, no matter how much food you eat, food will never solve an emotional problem like guilt or sadness.
Fay Ferris, RCC, CCC
Leave a Reply